Shotgun blast to the face of my random thoughts:
Sometimes I feel inadequate about only being able to speak and read English and Spanish, as if nothing important or interesting has ever been written in these languages. Of course this is not true but I am a highly irrational person who is driven by some unknowable animus to never be satisfied with anything. Anyway nobody is ever going to praise you for knowing Spanish-- and if they do, like some people have done to me, I can only feel cynicism toward the gesture. My best friend is learning japanese and I am like oh I could become so insufferable if I knew japanese. It would be such a valuable skill for the purposes of being insufferable. But what I actually want to learn is Russian, for oh so much more insufferable reasons. In the end, however, I will and can guarantee the betting men in the audience-- I will likely learn a big fat 0 new languages in the next decade. And I'll get worse at the ones I know.
Brave statements: moving is difficult. I've been incredibly tired recently. Also, because of some bad timings on the move, I might not be able to get my meds for a while, so in anticipation of this I have been rationing them, and I think the sudden imbalances are making me crazier and less productive than normal.
Sometimes I read other people's blog posts and I feel so angry at how profound they are. I tell myself that this is a very human emotion to feel. If someone is going to create a society free of envy I will not be the one to do so. Here's the actual problem: when I feel mad in this way, it is more "mad" in the, hysterical victorian woman needs a countryside retreat and more laudanum sense and not, I am now so hopped up with energy I will pour into my work. In fact I haven't written a damn thing all month. And that just makes me even more angry!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Internet Archive is such an important place. My bestie Esther has been showing me these japanese gaming magazines and one magazine we found, joyously titled "Beppin" was filled with such wall to wall pornography that I just kinda stared at it like it was white paint on hospital walls. At a certain point there are simply too many titties on your screen.
It might or might not come as a surprise but I am a fan of the Backrooms-- that is the simple way to communicate a much more complicated relationship to this material and to the way it exists online and how it can be interacted with, but that's something for another day or never. Brave statements: I am a fan of the Backrooms. Anyway. I started playing a game called "Transliminal." It is based on, I believe, the wikidot wiki branch of Backrooms folklore. I had been wanting to try playing one of these first person horror games-- it's something I've been weak against in the past, and I thought it would be a good place to dip my toes into indie horror games so I am less viscerally affected by scares. However, an entirely different enemy reared its head-- rather than being scared, I become terribly motion sick whenever I am playing. It is better if I turn off camera sway, but it's still a problem. Anyway, the little I've played of the game, it seems pretty neat. I've seen its renditions of Level 0, the Parking Structure, The Pools and the Pipes. The Pipes was TERRIFYING to me. But ultimately motion sickness was the most powerful entity.
Recently my wife and I took a trip to Lake Superior. It was a 3 hour drive from Minneapolis. It was fun. We ate at a local place. We saw a bunch of ships out on the lake. We walked down a really long pier to a very rickety light structure. I realized I don't really get out into nature a lot or very often. This despite how much nature occupies my thoughts. I've had this desire for a long time, of wanting to have "the perfect second monitor nature experience" while writing. I can't even begin to unpack to you what that exactly means. Sometimes I kind of want it to be like a really cool animated wallpaper with rotating nature scenes. I don't know-- it's one of those abstract wants you'll never be able to satisfy. Anyway maybe I should go hiking more?