In the late 90s to mid 2000s, I posted on forums to share my thoughts and speak emotionally.
In the mid 2000s to the early 2010s, I blogged to share my thoughts and speak emotionally.
Between 2013 and 2024 I mainly used social media to share my thoughts and speak emotionally.
Now, I use this blog to share my thoughts and speak emotionally.
I've always been able to order my own thoughts better by writing about it. Writing turns chaos into narrative. There are many things that happen to me every day-- I eat, I step into and out of rooms, if you were to create a log of every action I take there would be so many, but writing makes you think about the big picture stuff, the bullet points, and sometimes, I really need that. When it comes to my day job and daily maintenance tasks, I can basically sleepwalk through it without emotions. Writing, in a way, makes me care about the things that happened to me more than when I simply experienced them. It's kind of the same way with taking pictures. I'm an obsessive picture and screenshot taker because looking at the pictures later, in a way, draws out more emotion and thought from me than when I experience a lot of things in the moment. Without the picture, and without writing, it's almost like I have no evidence of those events.
One thing that was different in forums and social media is that those posts explicitly invite conversation. When I post on social media, as much as I don't particularly *want to* receive responses, the possibility of responses is implicitly available to everyone who has an account. Bluesky is public. (In fact, this has become something of a barrier to actually posting any thoughts on it-- when posting on social media lately I tend to effect this "social media voice" that is deliberately ingenuine, like a defense mechanism, and if I can't find a way to ward off possible responses I tend not to post, and so, I have not posted at all. Wow big parenthesis.) In a way, social media was always a bad substitute for a blog, so it's nice to have one again. There is a kind of writing I can only do in this in-between environment of possibly being seen but not being particularly *advertised* to a large audience, as social media does.
All of my writing is in some way about myself and my own thoughts. Unjust Depths is about a lot of things, but they're ultimately all things that relate back to me. It is a way of processing, but when writing fiction I am bound by certain conventions. I have opinions on what fiction as an object in itself should be, that don't necessarily make it an effective vessel to say, talk about me being sad in-the-moment, as opposed to I guess the kind of grand neurotic darkness that permeates parts of Unjust Depths. I will never write a chapter of Unjust Depths that is solely about me, the author, processing being sad. But I can write a blog post about that. These are all different forms of expression. One is artistic, and one is I suppose experiental.
So fuck it. Let's talk about being sad.
This all ties together. It's not actually a non-sequitur. Here's why-- it's precisely that inability to "broadcast" that makes me feel a bit melancholy today. I used to be in all these places where my work was discussed. On social media I am still following friends who talk about my work, and so I see my work being "talked about." But I have deliberately repositioned myself not to be part of those conversations. I am not marketing my work, so if people talk about it, it's not an "opportunity" for me the way it was. I am also not around to answer questions, so if I see any misconceptions about my work I can't clarify them. (I think most people would ultimately consider this a good thing. In a way, I think everyone can be more honest with each other if I'm not saying anything to the contrary.) However, those conversations I'm not having have never been replaced by anything. Almost all my social media posting was about Unjust Depths. If I'm not posting about that, I'm not posting about anything. I'm just not "talking to people" like I used to. I've deliberately withdrawn and I am not sure how to participate again. (Obviously, you know, I'm married and talk to my wife every day, but it's not the same as like, debating ecchi harem comedies under the agora with my fellow posters or some shit, you know?)
In a way, a thing a journal can't really get you *is* the spontaniety of someone else saying something about the topic. Of making unexpected acquaintance through a shared interest and the friction of having to put together your thoughts not just to yourself but to a stranger, an unknown entity.
(Okay, technically I could install some kind of comment solution here to get that but that'd be a pain in the ass so lets pretend it is functionally impossible.)
A part of me misses that spontaneity even if it realistically annoys me. This is not an invitation to converse with me necessarily-- in that contradictory, confounding complexity of the human spirit I am not actually in the mood to talk to anyone about almost anything. Rather, I almost wish I could apply a layer on my skin of "having talked to people" cream, like a moisturizer, so that I would fulfill this need without having to go through the potential disappointment involved in the process. I am unable to have good skin, due to the circumstances of nature. But good skincare is simple perseverance in purchasing good products, and it makes my look and skin feel amazing. I am unable to talk to people, due to the circumstances of nurture. However, the product that I can apply on my skin for this is, I suppose, perhaps-- it's social media isn't it?-- and ugh what a terrible product. I want nothing to do with this.
Get it off my skin immediately!