Blog Post

What do you do when you're on the cusp of a decision point? Who do you talk to? How do you think it through? I'm kind of at an impasse.

I've been really depressed the past several days. Doing nothing about it.

I'm going to try to be vulnerable and just work this out, and you know-- maybe it'll help y'all too? I've had people tell me that they actually really like this blog. That they do value my perspective. So maybe I ought to value it myself too.

Let's talk about creativity. Let's talk about regrets. No-- let's write about it.

For as long as I've been alive I've found some semblance of solace in writing. I write notes to myself to remember things. I write out problems that I have in order to think of solutions. I only used to do this with myself. Now I have this blog. I've said this before that this makes it feel as though this way of reasoning has certain stakes. It makes the juices flow. So I thought I'd put one of the most pivotal questions I've had with myself in this same format. Let's talk about doing things. Let's talk about quitting things. Let's talk about turning your back. Let's talk about abandoning everything. Let's talk about doing something else. It's a new year-- maybe it's time for a new start. On the cusp of four-to-five. Let's remember why we did things. Let's think about value; I think about value a lot. Value and incentives-- we might not think so but these are powerful forces that exert pulls on us. Let's talk about ambition; let's talk about fear.

Sure, write it down. Think about the pros and cons. But it isn't worth it.

To set aside the grandiosity-- I've written about it before but I have a kind of difficult relationship with my own work. I know, I'm keenly aware, that--

It must sound so ridiculous to you, it must be a laugh riot, you must hate it--

It must start to sound ridiculous to you when I refer to it as "my work." "My work" like I have this grand ouvre I'm gently shepherding into the world. You might think-- what's so special about you? About the things you do? You've just done some shitty writing on the internet, anyone can do that. You didn't make a movie? You didn't even write a fuckin' real ass book with an ISBN--

WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM--

--Anyway. The reason that I call it "my work" is that I think it does help to believe that you are doing something important to you. That's something that nobody else can really take away from you, right? If you've chosen to express yourself, at that point, you are the only one taking it seriously, so you might as well take it all the way seriously right? "My work," "my art" it starts with those phrases. It's part of a commitment. Art can be a commitment to yourself, but that represents a cognitive difficulty. Whether or not anyone is reading, it's difficult to take yourself seriously. It might feel presumptuous or even conceited. It only gets more difficult when people *do* notice it, when people *do* care about your art. Then it's *all the way* serious, because now you're in a certain relationship to those people. There is someone you can delight-- there is someone you can disappoint. And if you don't know them, and even when you do, the audience and its commitment to you is a sort of phantom that looms over what you do. Whether or not you're aware, you're now part of a discussion. You're part of a process of acceptance or negation. You're not alone anymore, and your conceit, your ambition, is being judged--

its found wanting, its hated, its bloating in your stomach and rising up--

The fuck was that metaphor-- Anyway. So. I've made it no secret that it's not been particularly fun lately to write Unjust Depths. Throughout the years it's been cherished by a lot of people, and its received its fair share of criticisms. I've developed some unhealthy habits with regards to both those things over time. I used to be in a server with all my fans which exposed me to maybe too much unvarnished feeling about my writing-- and at my lowest moments I do have a habit of vanity searching. Neither are healthy, and I am trying to work on both, but I have to admit the petty comments sometimes really get to me. It's not just any criticism in isolation-- but the fact that they're kind of coming as everything else feels like it's falling apart. Last year (oh God it's so weird to refer to it as that), I had a lot of challenges to writing-- I was gone through the month of April on some family stuff with my wife, and when I came back I was in and out of the hospital and sick all summer. When I returned to Unjust Depths I felt really worn down. I'd lost all my momentum, and I felt like in the time in which I hadn't worked on it, I'd lost some of the spirit of the thing-- I'd begun to think that I didn't know anymore what I was doing, why I started writing this, why I made these decisions, what my passion is--

Obviously you made these decisions they were good decisions. They were good because you made them. Quit the with self-effacing act, goddess.

One theme of these blogs lately has been interrogating myself on why I take certain decisions. Since I've cultivated this space here for self reflection I figured I should put forward this for self reflection at all. What if I stopped writing Unjust Depths and tried to do something else? What if I stuck with it? How can I learn to love it again? Can I grow as a writer if--

It's not worth thinking about this in great detail.

Okay. I'll humor you. Why isn't it worth it?

I mean, you're already great. The best even-- so what's the problem? Just quit this and do whatever next. It'll be fantastic. You've already done this before and everyone came crawling back to you. Sure, you don't have a million readers, but who cares? You're peak. You're Everest, baby. You've got nowhere left to go but to put down more certified gold on that damn page. Pigs might squeal; but they need the trough. They'll keep coming. You cook; they eat.

I'm not particularly proud of quitting The Solstice War!!

It worked out, didn't it? Everyone loves Unjust Depths. You're bigger than ever. Thousands of views. People are starting HRT because of you.

Listen, I'm glad I've touched people's lives but I don't know--

She's right, it won't go like it did before. This next time, it'll be the last. She'll be over. They'll all despise her. They'll detransition because of her betrayal.

That's-- that's pushing it a bit far-- I don't seriously think--

DETRANSITION IS FAKE RIGHT WING SHIT. THEY'RE ALL PAID OFF. SHUT THE FUCK UP IF YOU GOT NOTHING PRODUCTIVE TO SAY.

From my point of view, *none* of you have said anything valuable.

STOP DOING THAT FUCKING THING. *THIS* THING. YOU'RE NOT WRITING IN MARKDOWN YOU STUPID FUCK. YOU'RE NOT ROLEPLAYING ON AOL ANYMORE. IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY BRING EMPHASIS TO ANYTHING. IT ISN'T ITACILIZING YOUR TEXT. YOU JUST LOOK LIKE A FUCKING BOOMER. *LE ME BEING A BOOMER*

Jesus *christ*.

Isn't this all a bit fatiguing~ Wouldn't it be better to sleep the whole thing off~

Look I feel ashamed enough about running away from my other problems.

Melatonin gummies taste so good~ Why not 30 or 50 servings? It's FDA approved~ You can sleep for a lifetime or two. And never come back~

Uh. I'll take it under advisement.

LMAO MELATONIN GUMMIES LITERALLY CANNOT KILL YOU. THERE'S THIS STUDY BY THE NIH ON MELATONIN OD. YOU CAN ADMINISTER LIKE FUCKING ACTIVATED CHARCOAL AND JUST PISS THE WHOLE THING OUT. A BUTTER KNIFE IS DEADLIER. THE MELATONIN LITERALLY DOES JACK SHIT MUCH LESS ACTUALLY FUCKING KILL YOU.

Um. Please nobody try what this thing is proposing--

We have an easy way to prove which one of us is wrong~

YUP DRINK UP BITCH I HAVE A DESPERATE NEED TO SUCCEED

Which side are you on?

IM ON THE SIDE OF BEING FUCKING RIGHT

Stop listening to them queen. Listen to me. Just do whatever you want. There will *not* be consequences. You are *immune* to consequences. I'm the most correct one here because I have your exact writing ticks and intonation.

my stomach hurts. im so nervous. my stomach really hurts.

None of this is properly tagged-- everyone will hate her for making this.

Okay I'm tired of this fucking zoo! We're going back to the original point. I'm conflicted on whether to continue Unjust Depths. I'm honestly having difficulty imagining myself writing any kind of fiction in the future.

This is a paragraph.